How to Set Boundaries

Samantha Rintoul

When we are purposeful and consistent in setting our boundaries it can be a form of self care by creating environments where we feel safe, or where our level of discomfort is manageable. Some boundaries are very firm because they keep us safe or relate to our deeply held values. Other boundaries may be more flexible. How do we identify which of our boundaries are firm, and which ones are flexible, and how do we decide when to apply that flexibility? Setting boundaries it is a perpetual balancing act where we will be adapting to changes in our environments and ourselves. The good news is, like all skills, with practice setting boundaries becomes easier.

It is important that when setting boundaries we focus on what it is we need and frame it in terms of our own need. We cannot control other people, but we can ask for their support and take notice of who does and does not respect our boundaries when the need is stated. I can tell my partner “It is important to me that I get 10 minutes to unwind when I get home from work” or tell a colleague that “I do not want you to hug me”. When these boundaries are respected, trust may grow deeper as a feeling of safety is established, while when boundaries are continually disrespected we may need to withdraw from a person or situation.

When thinking about your boundaries you may want to go through the question words – Who, Where, and When questions help us identify the change we need to make; while What, Why and How questions help us to figure out how to put a boundary into place:

1)     Who am I with when I notice discomfort?

2)     Where am I when I see a need for change?

3)     When am I particularly impacted by this?

4)     What does my discomfort tell me needs to be adapted?

5)     Why is this important to me?

6)     How do I communicate my boundary in the relevant situations?

Example:

I notice that Jim makes me feel uncomfortable at work when the manager is away, because he tries to make me do his work. My discomfort tells me that I feel like I may be taken advantage of, or that I may be feeling intimidated by his behaviour. I could communicate a boundary by saying “I need to prioritize my own work before I am able to assist you with that”, and depending on if my statement is respected, I may or may not need to take further action such as asking for help.

I want to re-affirm that setting boundaries - especially when you are just starting - can feel really hard! This is absolutely normal when learning and practicing any new skill. Setting and upholding boundaries does not create a life without discomfort, but one where we are comfortable and safe enough to have the resources to deal with the discomforts we face. If you recognize boundaries as an area where you would like some support, please reach out today so we can help you meet your goals.