Let's face it, creating healthy relationships can be tough these days. The world can throw a lot at us, and it can be hard to nurture our relationship and keep that loving spark alive. The many pressures we face can make taking the first step toward counselling feel a bit daunting. Maybe you're even feeling hesitant, unsure, or even a little scared. That's perfectly normal.  Many people wonder what couples counselling will look like and what to expect from it.  Hopefully, this article can help you understand what happens in couples counselling and how we do our work.

To truly understand your unique relationship, we'll start with an in-depth set of interviews and an online assessment developed by the Gottmann Network.

This helps us get a clear picture of your relationship’s unique strengths and challenges so I will know where I can step in and lend a hand. We will also spend time discussing the valuable insights into your relationship so you can understand your relationship and why it is not as fulfilling and happy as you have been hoping it would be. All this preliminary work helps us to be on the same page so we can work as a team to reach your goals and maximize the benefits of our work together. I know that couple counseling is time and finance consuming. That's why I'm committed to providing you with the highest quality of care and ensuring that every session is meaningful and impactful.

One of the first things we'll explore in couples counseling is who you and your partner are as individuals and as a couple. We'll delve into those recurring conflicts – the ones that seem to show up again and again, leaving you feeling frustrated and stuck. These repeating patterns often reveal deeper, underlying issues and history that we ourselves are not even aware of. Counselling can uncover the beliefs and behaviors that we continue to hold, even when they don’t work for us and cause us pain and frustration.  These conversations can help to build a meaningful connection with our past selves and can lead to a deeper and more compassionate understanding of ourselves and our partners.

We’ll also examine the biases and stuck ways of thinking that may be affecting your relationship. We are used to looking at things from our own perspective, but this can lead to misunderstandings, frustration, and damage to our intimacy and closeness. In my office, I heard that many couples struggle with the impact of jealousy on their relationship. Often, I’ll ask the partner who is frustrated with their partner’s jealousy “Imagine if your partner didn’t care at all, what that makes you feel, relief? Or concerned? Is that a good feeling that you don’t seem matter to them?” This simple question helped them see how their partner’s jealousy, while sometimes challenging, also reflected their love and concern for them.  Quick enough they will recognize that jealousy is a natural feeling but is also more manageable balanced with sincere understanding and care.

Couples counselling can also be about processing past emotional injuries that keep slipping back into our life and play a role in current and future occasions. How many times have you felt hopeless and helpless when past incidents snowballed back into our current life uninvited, growing bigger each time and making everything harder and harder? How many times have you felt defeated and frustrated that the emotional pains seem to be lurking in the dark and harm you and your partner when you feel lest prepared to deal with them? I often hear couples say that they feel like they have gone round and round in circles but made no progress. They have often been told to “let go of the past” but didn’t know how as they feel like their pain has been dismissed. In my sessions, I encourage clients to see that positive and difficult experiences have contributed to who they are today and need to be understood. Counselling is about moving forward, but not without developing understanding of how the past has happened, how the past has affected them, and how they can put on a band aid so the injuries can eventually heal.  Moving on without healing can pile up resentment and hinder each person’s ability to grow and connect on a deeper level.  

Couples counselling is also about learning new communication skills. You can think about it like learning a new language – the language of love and intimacy. Most couples in therapy say they did not have good communicators as role models and certainly never got to take “Relationship 101” in high school. We'll work together to develop effective communication strategies that will help you navigate the ups and downs of your relationship with more ease and understanding. Just like learning any new skill, this process takes time, practice and patience. If you were building a healthier lifestyle with a trainer, results would not appear overnight, but consistency and commitment would lead to a stronger body over time. Similarly, in couples counselling, your communication skills are expected to eventually become the new normal. This process may not always be easy but regular practice can help you become master communicators you have always wanted to be.

Ultimately, couple counseling is about strengthening your connection, deepening your intimacy, and building a fulfilling future together. It's about discovering who you are as individuals and as a couple and creating a legacy of love and support for yourselves and your loved ones.  It can create a whole new dynamic for your family and help you to be the models for heathy relationships you always imagined. The first steps to a stronger relationship are always the hardest, but I am here to support you every step of the way.

Jing Huang
Registered Social Worker, Master of Social Work in Clinical Specialization