Effective communication is the foundation on which any healthy relationship is built. In this email, we will discuss Active Listening and “I” Statements, and the role each plays in your therapy. We have also included an easy listening exercise you can try with your partner.

Active Listening

Listening to your partner is one of the best ways to build trust in a relationship.

To actively listen is to place your full attention on the person speaking. As your partner expresses their feelings, you may feel the urge to reply or justify your side of the argument. Do your best to listen to what they are actually saying, and try to see things from their perspective, instead of using that time to pre-build your replies in your head.

Even setting aside a few minutes a week to actively listen can make an enormous impact on your relationship. Listening fosters empathy and understanding, and creates a safe space where you can both communicate honestly and effectively.

Using “I” Statements

When used appropriately, “I” statements can be an excellent way to present your thoughts and feelings to your partner.

One of the most important aspects of “I” statements is that you are taking ownership of what you are saying. You are not blaming others, or bringing others’ opinions, and social pressures, into the conversation. Everything you say comes from your own heart and mind.

Here are some ways to use “I” statements in your conversations:

• Rather than ‘Things are awful right now’, try ‘I am feeling this way about this situation.’

• Rather than ‘We need to talk about this’, say ‘I would like to address a particular concern with you’.

• Rather than ‘You’re not giving me what I need to be happy’, rephrase your request as ‘I need your response to feel heard and appreciated’.

There are, however, circumstances in which an “I” statement may not be appropriate, such as when discussing your partner’s needs or your needs as a couple. Please speak with a couples therapist if you have any questions regarding when and where “I” statements work best.

A Couples Exercise to Try

Find a quiet, private space where you feel physically and emotionally comfortable. It can be a bedroom, a living room, or even across the kitchen table.

Silence your smartphones, turn off any screens, and remove any distractions from your safe space.

Set a timer and choose which partner will go first. Once the timer starts, one person speaks while the other actively listens. This means doing your best to maintain eye contact and remain present in the conversation.

When the timer is finished, allow your partner to finish their thought, and then reset the timer. Now it’s your turn to speak. Keep your topics focused on the concern at hand. Use “I” statements where appropriate, and do your best to avoid laying blame. Speak from the heart, and be honest.

When you have both had a chance to speak, you can reset the timer and continue, or take a break so you can each process everything on your own.

By making this exercise a part of your ongoing relationship, you may notice a visible difference in how you communicate, and begin to gain a better understanding of your partner’s needs - and your own.